Yes. I stuffed up.
People were relying on me…and I stuffed up.
It’s been in the back of my mind for the last two weeks,
24/7, as the mind does,
Churning and grinding away, old patterns mingling with present realities…
Until this morning’s workout.
I knew if I let my stuff up get to me, that it was game over for me and my work.
I knew I would sabotage myself with ruthless and clinical efficiency.
I knew that stuff up would be a future in a line of dominos,
Each stuff up related and amplified by the previous stuff up.
So I traced back in my past, followed the long tail of stuff ups,
Things I’d forgotten, but that had a charge, hot in my hands of my thoughts.
Big events, laden with shame.
Series of small events, born out of the big events – “funny, I never connected that with them before.”
The long tail went right back to the beginning, events as a little boy I still remember,
Right back to me not wanting to leave my mum’s womb,
Causing everyone so much pain, inconvenience and worry.
…and then that was it. All of it was laid out on the table.
So I set about forgiving myself – for each and every stuff up.
Laying there, nearly finished my workout, I was working out hard internally.
Intensive forgiveness. Gentle forgiveness. Merging into the light forgiveness.
I threw everything at my feelings about my stuff ups.
…when the smoke cleared, all there was…
A fit, tall man, with many accomplishments, because I’d dared to try.
With possibilities. With Dreams. With Passion. With Drive. With energy.
I know you recognise this within you.
I know you do this to yourself.
So, when are you going to forgive yourself for all the times you stuffed up?
When are you going to go right past the recent stuff ups, follow the long tail back to all your previous stuff ups?
When are you going to do the industrial strength forgiveness you need to be given…