Ah – Workshops! The Power to Change.

I’ve just finished facilitating a six week business plan development workshop and was looking at the participants  – seeing that in that short period, in that intense process, they had completely changed themselves into focused, well equipped and courageous people on a mission.

Their whole attitude to business, their whole way of communicating through business and financial terminology, their whole way of being – had shifted and gone up many levels.

Thank God for workshops!

Are you looking for your motivation?  Find it by emailing us at themotivationclinic@gmail.com and tell us what you are looking for.

The Human Handbrake #3; Internal Conflict

If you are overthinking about every decision you make,

…if you are always worrying about what can go wrong instead of what can go right,

…if you get overwhelmed and confused easily

Then there’s every possiblity you would benefit from a bit of Transactional Analysis.

Put simply, we have two roles in our head:

Our inner parent – sometimes called the Critical Voice – it’s the part of you that warns you of any possible danger and always is on the look out for ways to keep you safe.

Our inner child – this is the part of us that wants to play, explore, have fun and go off on adventures.

These two roles that play themselves out within us, have opposing agendas – the parent (P) wants to keep you safe and the child (C) wants to go out and explore fearlessly.

Both of these roles have the power to shut you down and turn you into emotional turmoil.

Your parent, in particular, if it feels like you are heading toward a dangerous situation, appears to have the ability to stop you in your tracks with sickness, tiredness, lack of energy and comatose states of long periods of sleep.

As well, your child, can make a real mess of things if it feels like it’s stifled in a prison.  Wild emotional rides, moodiness, grumpiness, resentment, sulking and a wide range of behaviours with much in common with small children who are frustrated by their leash being too tight.

So what does this mean for you?

Put simply, most of us have two positions in our life and they are in conflict and it looks like this:

Conflict

 

P (parent)

C (Child)

 

Your child wants to do something and your parent comes up with a whole batch of reasons why not.  Your child starts to exert their power and try and get their own way.  The adult tightens the reign and your child struggles.  If the parent feels like it’s loosing control of your inner child, it will use whatever means of force to get your child to comply and stay within the safety of behavior determined by the Parent.

Its a real struggle inside you sometimes.

Enter Transactional Analysis – Ta Dahhh!

Transactional analysis creates another inner character into your already crowded psyche.

It’s the Adult (A).

The A’s job is to listen carefully to both the P and the C’s points of view about a situation and how it should be handled.  Then, A will make the final decision, moving forward, taking into consideration what both P & C wanted.  The A can make a decision that has nothing to do with what either P or C want, but the fact that A has listened to them, helps them accept the final decision.

Your inner landscape now looks like this:Rocks

P (Parent)

A (Adult)

C (Child)

It sounds like a convoluted process – and it is in the beginning – but what happens, if you work your way through this process, generally it starts to happen automatically and under your radar – when you establish your Adult self into the eternal conflict between the Parent and the Child

Your Three Selves:

Parent  | Adult | Child

The trick is for you to learn is that

your Adult firstly  

listens to

both the Parent and

then your Child

with Respect.

Then, your Adult

makes a decision,

taking in consideration what

the Adult and Child want,

but making the decision

based on the Adult’s

understanding

of the situation,

the consequences of the decision

& the benefits of the decision.

The Adult

makes the decision;

the Parent & the Child just want to

be heard out.

Here’s an amazing Ted Talk that shows you what can happen when you try and shut your inner  voices down.

There are consequences.

Transforming Your Inner Parent from automatum to “Trusted and Respected Adviser’

If your internal  Parent’s Objective is to sow seeds of self doubt,

It’s only because it’s Purpose is to protect you.

Because it’s only automatic and runs on
recordings from long ago,

It’s ability to protect you only extends to what it ever did when you were a child.

Which, of course, is not appropriate for you in  the here and now.

When you begin to earn the trust of your Inner Parent, that you are capable,

…and will protect yourself, then

a new possibility of relationship opens up for you and your Inner Parent.

If you give your Inner Parent the role of ‘Trusted and Respected Adviser’

…and discipline your Adult to ask your Inner Parent to review your strategy,

….and to give you warning of anything you haven’t considered in that plan,

Then you have turned that part of you from a saboteur into an ally

The “New” Ugly is Beautiful. “Nice” is now Ugly!

“Terminal Niceness”

There’s an epidemic of it – especially in the middle classes.

It’s where you believe the persona that you project onto the world and deny any feeling, thought or belief that doesn’t fit.

You have to be nice, have a nice partner, nice kids, shop in nice shops, live in nice areas, drive a nice car……

In transactional analysis, they divide our selves into three parts:

The Parent – a recording of all the things our parents said to us

The Adult – the part of us who makes choices based on evaluating the evidence provided

The Child – the spontaneous, often precocious part of us that just wants to have fun and hear yes to everything they want.

It appears to me that “Nice” comes from the parent.

“Terminal Niceness” comes from having an unexamined parent influencing your thoughts – in other words, you are not aware that your choices are coming from that part of your self.

The adult’s job is to make a decision about the recording from the parent and the hedonistic self centred demands from the child. The adult needs to be able to put “niceness” into perspective. The Parent was always concerned about the child fitting in – therefore “niceness” was only a strategy to enable the child to survive with other people – society.

There comes a stage in human development where the individual needs to identify this as a mere strategy, not a preferred way of being. Jesus wasn’t nice all the time – just ask the money changers on the temple steps!

So, if you keep finding yourself being “Nice” all the time, it would behove you to review this, simply in order for you to discover what is authentic for you as an individual.

……I’d hate to have “Nice Guy” written on my tombstone!Betty

Ugly Betty might be nice, but she is also authentic!

– Funny how the Latinos love her!!

 

 

The Power of Giving in Motivation

There’s something really powerful when you start being a giver.

We appear to be living in a society where we are encouraged to be a taker – it begins in childhood: we are the recipients of someone elses love, care, attention and productivity.

As we grow and develop, we hopefully learn that we have responsibilities, there are things that only we can do, it’s our job, it’s what we do.

And somewhere in the process of growing up, we figure out that it really is fantastic when we start to give.  To give  back to the people who have helped and supported us.  To give to the people around us who are in need.  To give freely, when it hasn’t even been asked for – that this is where the real joy and deep satisfaction is.

I heard a lady share about growing up in a tough situation: abuse, drugs and alcohol, the full deal.  She said that:

“When I stopped  being a Taker, and started being a Giver, that’s when my real life began…”

…clunk!

It appears to me that my life really takes off when I embrace giving – how does that with you?

Does your motivation soar when you start giving – let me know.

Want to discover your motivation?let us know here at the Motivation Clinic themotivationclinic@gmail.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Human Handbrake: Fear of Commitment

Fear of Commitment.Cycle of change Denial

It stops you every time there’s a decision for you to make.

You just know that you will be feeling a bad does of “Buyer’s Remorse” soon after you make any decision, so you take the safe option of sitting on the fence, procrastination or having a bet both ways.

Your payoff for this is that you will get to stay in your comfort zone.

…and what is the cost of this?

You will pay the price of never achieving your dreams, of never being able to allow yourself to make any decisions on your own, your life won’t be your own, you’ll only be able to help other people achieve their dreams – you will have doomed yourself to a life of quiet desperation.

Of course you have the good luck to being one of the few people to read anything about fear of commitment.  Which means that you are probably admitting that you indeed have a fear of commitment.

As always, whenever you admit to a limitation, you paradoxically and unexpectedly free yourself from that limitation.

The difference between someone who has a fear of commitment and knows it… and the person who has a fear of commitment who doesn’t know it is:

The person who knows they have a fear of commitment has a choice.

You now can choose to commit to something that’s important to you, knowing that you have a default setting of being fearful of making commitments.  You simply manage the consequences of fear. 

(Which is by the way, an an acronym for: False Expectations Appearing Real)

The Motivation Clinicit’s a place for you to discover your own motivation – email us: themotivationclinic@gmail.com

Never getting to action…

You’ll find the change cycle we use, has four quadrants: DenialResistancePlanning – then Action.

It’s easy to get stuck in the right hand quadrant: Denial – Resistance.

You go into Denial seeking solace from your drink of choice whether it be sex, food, shopping, internet games, religion or whatever you do when you don’t want to face reality.

When you are ready, you move into the high emotional quadrant of Resistance where your fear and anger rise and fall like on a roller coaster.

Usually, when you have spent your anger, fully experienced your fear and other upsets, you reach a place called acceptance and you can then enter the realm of exploring possibilities and planning.

However, if you, during your resistance go into either shame or blame and if you buy it enough, it will throw you right back into denial before you do something that could be do harm to yourself.

Some people spend their whole lives in the right hand quadrant, oscillating between Denial and Resistance.

If this sounds like you, then reach for our handy-dandy forgiveness letter template and forgive everyone you are blaming for your circumstances.

That should help you move toward acceptance and allow you to start examining new possibilities.

Let us know how you go with this.

The Motivation Clinic – helping you find your motivation!  Contact us on 0439 979 577

The Life Changing List of 50 Qualities of Your Ideal Life Partner.

Think about it.

Who would you love to be with – so much that you’d wake up every morning feeling like you’d won the lottery?

Who would you love to be with – so much you’d say: “I’d love to grow old with you!”

What are the qualities of your ideal partner?

Here’s the challenge:

Write a list of fifty qualities of a partner who’d you love to be with.

Fifty is a lot. 

Once you get past your obvious preferences, it gets more challenging.

It becomes more intangible – things like values, subtle qualities, things you probably have never taken into consideration.

You need to give it time.  Do a good job of it.  Think about it.  Be authentic.  Be true to yourself.

And, when you get your list of fifty completed – it’s time to take it to another level.

Your next step is to reduce that list to your top 25 qualities of your ideal partner.

I did this under the direction of a friend who wanted to contribute to me.

He’d seen my disastrous relationships and he told me that I didn’t know what I wanted in a partner.

So I did my list of fifty.  I prioritised my list down to 25.

Then he told me to go out and date six women a week.

He defined a date as a coffee, a meeting in a store, a walk in the park, a dinner etc… and he instructed me to rate each woman I dated according to my checklist.      

So I did.  And I had my checklist handy and I was ticking off the qualities as I saw them.

Six dates a week is a lot.  But I soon got used to it.

All the women I dated looked good and smelt good.

But after six months of six dates a week, the most ticks I’d given was four.

I talked to my friend and he explained I didn’t have a list of qualities to make a decision by so I was operating on limited intelligence.

I realised that I’d only ever had two criteria – if you were a woman and you looked good and you smelt good…then I was yours.

I realised at that point that I’d been vulnerable and without any idea of what I wanted.  I then rated all my previous relationships and they all had 3 to 4 ticks.

I was in a dark room feeling around for a partner.

I spent another three months in this exercise.  I’d just about given up finding someone who really interested me.

I met Rose.  Ironically she lived in the same block of flats as me. I asked her to come for a walk in the park with me.  She agreed.

By the time we returned to our flat, I’d ticked off ten qualities on my list.

You’d take notice, wouldn’t you?

I asked her out again the next night and ticked off the rest of the list.

It was unbelievable having a clear idea of a good fit with me.

I’d gotten so used to the process of looking for qualities, that I kept finding new qualities that I liked about her.

I then gave myself permission to fall deeply and sweetly with Rose.

That was twenty years ago two months from now.  We have a 17 year old son and it all seems like it was yesterday when we met.

Our relationship just keeps growing and getting stronger.

Are you ready to take on the challenge of your list of 50 qualities of your ideal life partner?

Keep us here at The Motivation Clinic posted with your progress – we’d love to hear from you!